Stuck in a Rut: Losing Focus

Recently, I’ve been feeling unbalanced and just completely unfocused. In mid-January I was taken out of my new year strive for a week of not feeling well. I was confined to my bed for two days, and the rest of that week I was trying to recover. Before I was reading and journaling daily and I even made time in my morning to do such. But then I missed a day and a day turned in to a week, turning in to a battle of getting back on track. I began to lose the momentum I had at the beginning of the year, but I knew these were still changes I wanted to make. I somehow lost the motivation to make my goals a priority. I wanted to catch up, but it felt like an uphill battle that I was losing. I climb a little by journaling or reading at night, but I still couldn’t quite reach the top. I reached a lower point feeling unhappy with my progress.

One day this past week I came home and I looked around and my room was a mess, there were still dishes in the sink after I washed them a day before, and there was a pile of clothes waiting for me in the hamper. I washed more dishes and washed the clothes but still felt like I wasn’t doing enough. I wasn't even working on my passion project. I felt as if I broke a sheet of glass, and only picked up one piece each day without being able to sweep it all up.

I’ve learned I don’t like the feeling of not doing anything. I can’t bear to sit when I know there are other things for me to do. My solution to this is usually to do the things that I need to do, then I’ll have the time to relax. Unfortunately when I let things pile up its almost impossible to get to a point of relaxation.

I’ve been able to make some progress! Today I cleaned my apartment to my standard, I journaled, and I was able to check off a few personal to-do items. I feel like I have a clearer slate. Tomorrow I don’t have to spend the day cleaning. I can have a leisurely day! On the other hand, I’ve also realized I need to let myself rest. There is absolutely nothing I have to do. I’m not in school with papers to submit and my work stays at work. I can have a day where I do nothing and watch movies and not feel guilty about it. Doing this, I’m giving myself grace, something I don’t practice enough of.